For this column, the guys can sit back and take it easy. My focus is on the ladies, and I use that term loosely here. On a recent outing to Beale Street in Memphis, I had the obscene pleasure of experiencing only what can be termed “Urban Cowboy on steroids.” I have a beef with the younger generation of women, and that pun is greatly intended.

I found myself in a bar that contained a mechanical bull. For some reason, all that’s needed is some southern rock, quite a bit ofalcohol, and any chick with a slinky dress and no bra. The mix was absolutely hilarious, yet a little unsettling at the same time. The master of this ceremony was a stereotypical overweight red-neck who clearly had not had a date in years, mastering the controls of the next lady’s destiny. With him at the wheel, there was going to be exposure sure to rival anything on Cinemax.

The sad thing about this entertainment was that these women honestly thought they were the sexiest person on the earth, and were willing to show all men present that they could simulate a pole dance on a gyrating bull while keeping their “girls” in check. This cannot be done, learn this now. With strapy dresses and nothing between what God gave you and a mechanical bovine, there is no way to hold onto your dignity, let alone what you had for supper that evening before slamming five tequila shots.

I have to resort to the old saying, “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” And, hey, there’s even a cow involved in this great equation. Ladies, please, there is no need to climb atop a tavern carnival ride just to attract the opposite sex. You need not try that hard, and in fact it’s overkill. You may be the highlight of that evening with 30 seconds of fame, but is it really worth it when this is the stuff of classic You Tube videos and blooper reels? While watching the guys laugh and howl at each new participant, you could almost see the look on their face of sheer Sunday morning horror, when the effects of Jack Daniels woke them up to their senses and immediately required a sin-washing shower. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but this is not the kind of gal a guy brings home to meet Mom. In fact, this is not the type someone wants to date period, let alone hide from family and friends.

With that said, I have a new mission…the release of all endangered mechanical bulls so they can roam free from risk of abuse and utter humiliation. Yeah, that pun was just too easy.