by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu
I was seventeen when he died. It had been a quick illness: he died young, leaving a widow with three teenaged children. The morning of the funeral two men, both important to me, pulled me aside at different times, and, as if they had choreographed it, gave me the identical talk.
“You are the man of the family now. You have to be strong for your mother, your little brother, and your sister.”
“You can’t show any weakness. They are counting on you.”
“You can’t cry today, even at the funeral.”
And I didn’t cry anymore that day. I didn’t cry again for many years. What happened to that seventeen-year old boy that day was wrong. To deny a grieving young man the ability to express his feelings — his hurt, his fear, and his insecurities – is to take away his humanity. Yet it happened to me just as it has happened to millions of other men and boys. Although it may have happened differently to each of us, we were taught from an early age to hide our feelings. The sole exception to this rule is anger – anger masks the real underlying emotions but is the only feeling that men are allowed to share with others.
Men are born with the same range of emotions as women. As babies we feel fear, we cry, we are insecure, we feel loved – and we are capable of sharing those feelings. But society, in ways both subtle and glaring, teaches us to hide those emotions in order to “be a man.” And so we bury them down deep, invisible to those around us and to ourselves.
We use different types of nails to secure the hatch that suppresses our emotions. Some men use alcohol, some become workaholics, and others use rage to mask their real feelings. Regardless of the tactics men use to avoid feeling fear, pain, and insecurity, the impact on us and those around us is the same: weaker relationships, more stress, and greater dissatisfaction with life.
Expressing true feelings can be uncomfortable. For those who are not used to it, letting another know that you experience anxiety, apprehension, or confusion feels vulnerable. We worry that others will see us as “weak” and “take advantage of us” without our emotional armor. However, for men who learn to share appropriately on an emotional level, the pay-off is enormous: closer relationships with loved ones and a tremendous reduction in anxiety and stress.
Go online and type “emotions list” in your search engine. When you feel angry or frustrated, refer to the list of emotions, and share two or three non-anger related feelings in this format:
“I feel ______, ______, and ______ when ______ happens. I just need to let you know that.”
It’s a risk worth taking.
Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu
