by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

On Dads and Their Daughters

She was born sixteen years ago, surrounded by love and family.  Hannah, my first born, looking so much like her father that a stranger in the nursery said, “Mister, it’s going to be hard for you to deny that one!”  She was a real Daddy’s girl from day one.

I remember the complete and total love I felt for her then, along with a healthy dose of fear and anxiety. Sixteen years passed quickly, and I still find myself filled with love, but also with more fear and anxiety about this young woman; then it was diapers and bottles, now it is independence, freedom, and (shudder) high school boys (I used to BE one).

When I feel most incompetent in my parenting, it is with my daughter. I sometimes bungle opportunities and lecture when I should listen. I suspect I am not alone, that other men sometimes feel the same inadequacies with their girls.

As a little girl she was extremely strong willed and I encouraged her to be so.  No modern father wants his daughter to grow up to be dependent on a man, to be unable to support herself, to be submissive. We want more: strong daughters, adult daughters that refuse to be controlled, daughters that can think for themselves.

Research has shown that good relationships with fathers help girls become successful in school and work, develop healthy relationships with other men, take on new challenges, have higher self esteem, and more independence. We fathers can and do impact our daughters in significant and positive ways.

In my experience, parenting a baby girl was lots easier than parenting a teenager. Sure, there were stinky diapers and burp rags, but those were trivial inconveniences compared to the delicate issues that young women present to their fathers.

I have learned that my daughter does not always share my sense of humor.  Like the baseball cap with the long gray ponytail attached that I wore to a school function: I have nothing against ponytails, but apparently Hannah does.  She was mortified and furious.  It was the same when I picked her up from a school dance wearing full cowboy regalia, including chaps. My joke—intended to solicit eye-rolling and a smile—brought tears and embarrassment instead.

As Hannah has grown towards adulthood, I find that I have to work harder at listening and finding things in common with her. I want her to trust men, but I don’t want her to trust men too much (surely a confusing position). I suspect I am not the only father in Denton County that struggles with how to be a positive force in his daughter’s life.

Resource: www.thedadman.com Joe Kelly is an author and expert on fathers and daughters.

Mark Sandel, LMSW, is an Associate Professor in the College of Arts and Sciences at Texas Woman’s University.  He may be reached at msandel@twu.edu