by Taryn McColpin

Ahhh…February, the month of love.  After the force-feeding of goodwill and kindness and family get-togethers we have sustained through the holiday months, the obligatory last minute frenzy of burning up our credit cards on gifts to express all those warm and fuzzy feelings, the traditional champagne-induced cheer, camaraderie, and caresses of New Years…are we ready for more love?

Because, of course, February brings Valentine’s Day. Women envision little white boxes that sparkle when you open them, handed to them over a romantic, kid-free dinner that is not a hunk of barbecued meat or something they have prepared themselves. Men don’t envision anything, because for the most part, Valentine’s Day is off their radar.

What February really brings is the comical sight of thousands of oblivious, calendar-challenged men walking around the day after Valentine’s Day going “What?!?” with a befuddled expression on their faces, while their women stalk the house with an icy glare.

Sorry, guys, no excuse, given the massive commercial inundation via newspaper, TV, radio, and even Internet junk mail that starts reminding us before Christmas is over that Something Else Requiring A Gift is coming up soon…well, “soon” in the retail world, which means two months from now.  The first week of December, our local Hobby Lobby had the Christmas decorations moved to Clearance, and red hearts and summer patio furnishings in their place.

For the attached, or hoping to be attached, some symbolic gift is recommended if you hope to maintain or advance that status.  Because, that’s right, it’s the female of the species who requires that the male bring her something as an offering.  And we’re not birds, so a few leaves to furnish the nest won’t do, and we’re not tigers, so neither will a hunk of meat. (Oh, don’t even go there!)

So men, given the nature of the beast, so to speak, pull out that still-smoking credit card, and pick up that $4 card and some tangible proof of love that is not found in the home improvement store. Some suggestions of What Not To Bear in your proffered hands:

A big box of chocolates…You’re ruining our diets (or you think that all we do is sit around eating bonbons, or you will eat them all yourself anyway, take your pick).  Flowers…You bought those at the grocery store on your way home and put absolutely no thought or planning into it.  Lingerie…Guaranteed to be either too big, too small (uh-oh), or too Beyoncé …what exactly are you saying here?

This February, keeping all that in mind, beat the crowds and get that guilt monkey off your back early.  Yes, it’s too late for retail “early,” and the jewelry counters are already picked over, but not nearly as bad as they will be at 6PM on February 13th.  Surely you can find something that sparkles in a little white box…and not drill bits!