by Jamie Stephenson

Have you ever been left wandering where your teenager came from? As parents we can recall those adorable children we raised, the affectionate, attention craving individuals who wanted to be with us every moment, however once our children hit age thirteen it‘s like a switch is flipped in them and they become like aliens that we don’t understand and cant seem to relate to!

The good news is the teen -parent relationship doesn’t have to resemble a scene from a football game where 2 warring sides are battling for possession of the ball. When you understand that we’re not on separate teams competing against each other but on the same team with the same goal it makes all the difference. The teen- parent relationship can become the most productive and valuable relationship we have if we grasp the rules and play the game fairly!!

Rule 1:  Young people need their parents more than they could ever say or like to admit to

Though your teen pushes every boundary and never seems to listen to a word you say it is during this phase of their lives that teens need the consistency, unconditional love, support and boundaries you as a parent provide for them. The important rule of play here is to grasp that your teen is not looking for you to be their friend but is looking to you to listen to and encourage them to discover and develop their individuality.

Rule 2:  Communication is the key

Communication is probably the biggest hot spot between parents and teenagers. It often seems like we parents are not being heard and that there is no positive communication taking place. The problem for most parents and teens is that we only hear what we want to hear or take what is being communicated at face value! When was the last time you really listened to what your teen was saying?  Not just the words coming out of their mouths but what was behind their words and actions. What’s really making them frustrated or what are they really trying to achieve in the choices they’re making?  We as parents need to search underneath all the emotions and expressive behaviour to discover the real message our children are delivering to us. When your teen approaches you take time to really listen to what they are saying; try not to respond until you know all that they are asking or implying and when responding instead of telling them what you would do offer them options so as to empower them to make independent choices with your help. You will be amazed that using this approach will encourage your teen to become a more team focused player!
Rule 3:  Lead by example

When dealing with our emotion led teens it is essential we reign in our own emotions!  However much our teens push boundaries they learn and shape their reactions and responses in accordance with that they see in us parents. In order for our kids to grow healthy emotions they need to see them modelled by us. With the aim of enabling our teenager to have responsibility over their choices and behaviour we can encourage them to develop healthy emotions by warringnot lecturing them when they make mistakes, praising them when they make informed and positive choices and loving them through the tough times without comment.

Rule 4:  Encourage individuality

Finally…encourage and celebrate creativity and individuality within your teenager. It’s ok for your teen to have an opinion even if it differs from your own. Instead of telling them they’re wrong to think certain ways why not discuss with them the alternatives and help them to shape what they really believe.  The reality is that often teens really don’t believe what they’re saying they’re just trying to make an independent stand and to shock their parents. If they know and understand that their parents are a safe place where they can talk through situations they’ll keep coming back!

Jamie Stephenson is the founder and CEO of Take Off Coaching an organization committed to encouraging and motivating young people to reach their potential and to achieve their goals. Take Off provides life coaching, motivational speaking and leadership resources for teens and parents. www.takeoffcoaching.com