I couldn’t believe what I overheard as my son, Hayden, challenged his friend Susana.

“My Dad is better than your Dad.”

“Uh uh. My Dad can beat your Dad any day!”

“No way; my Dad can beat your Dad with one hand tied behind his back.”

I stepped closer, in disbelief over what sounded like an argument over which father could whip the other. And then I caught it:

“My Dad CAN SO cook better than your Dad.” They were debating the respective culinary talents of Jorge and me. It occurred to me that something has really changed about fatherhood since I was a child. Imagine, middle school kids actually defending their fathers’ kitchen skills!

My father only cooked two things: steaks on the grill and, on Mother’s Day, breakfast (and Mom had to wash the dishes).

My last two columns have focused on rather dark aspects of masculinity: women’s fear of men and male violence against women. In the spirit of the recent Father’s Day, this column focuses on what men are doing right.

As women have expanded their role in society beyond the home and into the workplace, men are challenged to rethink what it means to be a man, a partner, and a father. Most men are making adjustments.

More men are participating in domestic activities, but the biggest change may be in parenting. A generation ago, few men were deeply involved in the raising of their children. When divorces occurred, children were often abandoned by their fathers. Today, many more men, married and divorced, are engaged in parenting and they are spending more time at it. While much has been made of “quality time” for non-custodial dads, experts are now saying that sloppy, hanging around, quantity time with the kids may be more important.

For all those men who cook for their families, take the kids to school, join the PTA, help with homework, shop for clothes, clean the house, spend time with the kids, and go camping and fishing with them, ACCOLADES! You deserve recognition for all you do.

For the younger men out there who are not yet fathers, don’t rob yourself of the intimacy that comes only from changing diapers, bathing, and dressing your babies. Get involved in their lives early, and stay involved. Never give up on them, listen to them, and focus on their strengths not their challenges. Someday, you may be the subject of an argument over whose dad does the best laundry.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu

Author, and film maker, Jackson Katz, recently made some appearances in Denton County. His most famous work, a film called “Tough Guise,” explores the media’s influence on men who posture as ‘tough’ to hide socially unacceptable feelings of fear and insecurity.

Katz spoke at length about the problems created by labeling sexual assault and domestic violence as “women’s issues.” In reality, sexual and domestic violence occur as the result of male behavior. Over 99% of rapes are committed by men, as are the majority of domestic violence assaults. So why are these crimes termed “women’s issues?”

And why is that a problem for men?

Labeling violent crimes against women as women’s issues is a mistake that ensures the continuation of gender violence.

Confusion is generated when we say “women’s issues” instead of “men’s violence.” The line between victim and perpetrator is blurred. Most men are not rapists, but most men are not interested in the topic of rape, either. Newspapers use passive language to further disconnect men from the violence experienced by women, with headlines that declare “Two Women Assaulted Near University,” and “Domestic Violence Victim Killed.” There is no mention of the men who perpetrated these crimes, thus the focus is on women and the gendered nature of the violence is lost. Most school and university violence prevention models are actually risk reduction programs aimed at girls and women, not boys and men. We teach our daughters the warning signs of abuse in dating relationships, to only go out with groups, and never leave a drink unattended. But what do we teach our sons about men’s violence against women? Nothing. When violence against women is a “women’s issue” we don’t have to do anything about it. As a result, men rarely challenge or confront other men on their sexism.

Katz notes that men have a personal stake in ending violence against women. The victims of this violence are our partners, our friends, our sisters, and our daughters. Eighteen million fathers have daughters who were raped by a man. Our partners may trust us less because of previous abuse at the hands of another man, making intimacy in our relationships difficult. Men’s violence against women diminishes our lives, too.

Finally, referring to these crimes as “women’s issues” allows men to avoid responsibility for the abuse perpetrated by other men; it allows us to not pay attention. As men, violence against women and children is our issue, and it needs to be labeled as such.

By calling men’s violence what it is, we take a first step towards stopping that violence. As an old friend, Claude LaBrosse, once said, “Violence against women will end when men decide it is time for it to end.

Resources for Men:
Denton County Friends of the Family 940-387-5131
Jackson Katz: www.jacksonkatz.com
The Men’s Resource Center for Change: http://www.mrcforchange.org/

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu

Women fear men. Consider this scenario: from opposite ends of a street two strangers step out for a solitary after dinner stroll. Down the deserted lane, the man sees a lone woman walking towards him. What are his thoughts? What emotions are triggered? Perhaps he thinks about work, or he may speculate about what the woman looks like, but no dark emotions stir. She is not perceived as a threat.

But is the experience the same for the woman? At the other end of the darkening street, the woman spots the man and immediately begins assessing options. Should I hold my keys like a weapon? Should I cross the street? Turn around and go the other way? What if he follows me? Can I run faster if I kick my shoes off? Will anyone hear me scream? Her apprehension builds as they approach, her eyes focused on the ground in front of her. She walks past the man, heart pounding, and risks a glance over her shoulder. Thank God, he’s not following me.

The man is simply enjoying the cool evening. He feels no anxiety, no fear, and is completely unaware of the impact he had on the woman he just passed.

Most men cannot understand how differently women perceive the world. To assume you may be attacked any time you cross a dark parking lot. To worry that a man might break into your home and sexually assault you. To avoid eye contact with strangers lest they misinterpret a glance and follow you. To avoid angering male coworkers and partners. All of the daily rituals women do to minimize the risk of violence.

The failure of men to understand the women’s perspective is problematic because our relationships with women are based on foundations of fear instead of trust and respect— not the best footing for a quality relationship.

Every interaction that we have with women serves to convince them that we are either to be trusted or feared. If our daily goal is to convince the women in our lives that we are not a threat, how should we behave? Do we realize that raised voices, ominous glares, and sullen silences are more than just expressions of anger, that they are threats, and proof that we are unworthy of trust? Do our actions increase or decrease fear?

By behaving in non-threatening ways that build trust, we will enjoy deeper, more meaningful relationships. And never forget that our sons and our daughters learn from us how men are supposed to act.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu