We Can Work It Out

by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

There’s good news, bad news, really bad news, and some interesting news for men, and it’s all about the recession.

The good news: The economists tell us that the recession of the last three years is easing.  Of course, this is no comfort to those who have lost jobs, homes, and in some cases, hope.

Now the bad news for men: over 7 million Americans have lost jobs during this recession, and about 80% of them were men. And the unemployment figures do not include the hundreds of thousands of men who have given up trying to find work, those who don’t even bother to register for unemployment anymore.  There is a new category for them: “discouraged” workers.

And now, the really bad news: some men are suffering more than others. Men aged 35 to 54 have been hardest hit, and those bountiful mid-career years have traditionally built retirement plans and inflated Social Security retirement benefits. For men in mid-life, the recession may have a negative effect that lasts a lifetime.

Unemployment among black men has soared to alarming levels, in large part to downturns in certain sectors of the economy including the auto industry and manufacturing.  Here in Texas the slowdown in construction has been particularly devastating to Hispanic men.

And now the interesting news; a social tipping point of tremendous magnitude occurred in February with little fanfare.  For the first time in American history, more women than men were employed.  Of course, the balance shifted dramatically as a result of the large number of men who lost jobs during the last three years, but women have consistently been making gains in both employment and income in relation to men for many years. Several bloggers have cited this development as “proof” that women have taken over, that men can’t get ahead, that society is unfair to men. Is that the case, or is there more to the story?

The recession seems to be accelerating a social change that was born decades ago: the move toward a more equitable society for women. A number of positive things for men have come from this slow evolution of gender roles.  Most men have become better parents and partners, for instance. But the lousy economy and the unemployment that has hit men particularly hard may force us to further evolve as we reconsider our role as providers.

Unfortunately, for the men and their families who are suffering through this crisis, these grand social change perspectives are of little consolation. So, I refer you back to the good news at the beginning of this article. The recession will not last forever and the job market will improve. In the meantime, I encourage men to seek all the support and help they can to avoid becoming  “discouraged” workers. Hope, while in short supply these days, is a valuable commodity.

by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

On Dads and Their Daughters

She was born sixteen years ago, surrounded by love and family.  Hannah, my first born, looking so much like her father that a stranger in the nursery said, “Mister, it’s going to be hard for you to deny that one!”  She was a real Daddy’s girl from day one.

I remember the complete and total love I felt for her then, along with a healthy dose of fear and anxiety. Sixteen years passed quickly, and I still find myself filled with love, but also with more fear and anxiety about this young woman; then it was diapers and bottles, now it is independence, freedom, and (shudder) high school boys (I used to BE one).

When I feel most incompetent in my parenting, it is with my daughter. I sometimes bungle opportunities and lecture when I should listen. I suspect I am not alone, that other men sometimes feel the same inadequacies with their girls.

As a little girl she was extremely strong willed and I encouraged her to be so.  No modern father wants his daughter to grow up to be dependent on a man, to be unable to support herself, to be submissive. We want more: strong daughters, adult daughters that refuse to be controlled, daughters that can think for themselves.

Research has shown that good relationships with fathers help girls become successful in school and work, develop healthy relationships with other men, take on new challenges, have higher self esteem, and more independence. We fathers can and do impact our daughters in significant and positive ways.

In my experience, parenting a baby girl was lots easier than parenting a teenager. Sure, there were stinky diapers and burp rags, but those were trivial inconveniences compared to the delicate issues that young women present to their fathers.

I have learned that my daughter does not always share my sense of humor.  Like the baseball cap with the long gray ponytail attached that I wore to a school function: I have nothing against ponytails, but apparently Hannah does.  She was mortified and furious.  It was the same when I picked her up from a school dance wearing full cowboy regalia, including chaps. My joke—intended to solicit eye-rolling and a smile—brought tears and embarrassment instead.

As Hannah has grown towards adulthood, I find that I have to work harder at listening and finding things in common with her. I want her to trust men, but I don’t want her to trust men too much (surely a confusing position). I suspect I am not the only father in Denton County that struggles with how to be a positive force in his daughter’s life.

Resource: www.thedadman.com Joe Kelly is an author and expert on fathers and daughters.

Mark Sandel, LMSW, is an Associate Professor in the College of Arts and Sciences at Texas Woman’s University.  He may be reached at msandel@twu.edu

by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

Men and Emotions

I was seventeen when he died.  It had been a quick illness:  he died young, leaving a widow with three teenaged children. The morning of the funeral two men, both important to me, pulled me aside at different times, and, as if they had choreographed it, gave me the identical talk.

“You are the man of the family now.  You have to be strong for your mother, your little brother, and your sister.”

“You can’t show any weakness.  They are counting on you.”

“You can’t cry today, even at the funeral.”

And I didn’t cry anymore that day.  I didn’t cry again for many years.  What happened to that seventeen-year old boy that day was wrong. To deny a grieving young man the ability to express his feelings — his hurt, his fear, and his insecurities – is to take away his humanity.  Yet it happened to me just as it has happened to millions of other men and boys. Although it may have happened differently to each of us, we were taught from an early age to hide our feelings. The sole exception to this rule is anger – anger masks the real underlying emotions but is the only feeling that men are allowed to share with others.

Men are born with the same range of emotions as women. As babies we feel fear, we cry, we are insecure, we feel loved – and we are capable of sharing those feelings.   But society, in ways both subtle and glaring, teaches us to hide those emotions in order to “be a man.”  And so we bury them down deep, invisible to those around us and to ourselves.

We use different types of nails to secure the hatch that suppresses our emotions.  Some men use alcohol, some become workaholics, and others use rage to mask their real feelings.  Regardless of the tactics men use to avoid feeling fear, pain, and insecurity, the impact on us and those around us is the same:  weaker relationships, more stress, and greater dissatisfaction with life.

Expressing true feelings can be uncomfortable.  For those who are not used to it, letting another know that you experience anxiety, apprehension, or confusion feels vulnerable. We worry that others will see us as “weak” and “take advantage of us” without our emotional armor.  However, for men who learn to share appropriately on an emotional level, the pay-off is enormous:  closer relationships with loved ones and a tremendous reduction in anxiety and stress.

Go online and type “emotions list” in your search engine. When you feel angry or frustrated, refer to the list of emotions, and share two or three non-anger related feelings in this format:

“I feel ______,  ______, and ______ when ______ happens.  I just need to let you know that.”

It’s a risk worth taking.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU.  He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu

A few weeks ago, the Dallas Morning News ran a front-page story titled “Daddy’s New Job.” It explained that the number of stay-at-home dads is increasing due to the economic recession. Because of lay offs in construction, manufacturing, and other traditional male bastions, 80% of the people who lost jobs in the last year were men. Another article in the same paper reported that “Companies with female managers are more profitable.”

What does this mean for men? What does the future hold in store for the gender? The silver lining in our economic storm may be some positive changes for men.

Sweeping social change often follows a period of crisis. The very first government assistance program followed the devastation of the Civil War. During the Great Depression, when many families failed through no fault of their own, Social Security and other social programs were born. The modern fight for civil rights was in part triggered by WWII, when the military began the integration of troops. The same World War led to the unprecedented prosperity of the 50’s and 60’s via the GI Bill for the returning veterans. The economic gloom of the 1970’s may have been as responsible for the dramatic increase of women in the workplace as were no-fault divorces and the Women’s Rights movement.

Just last year, while most of us were struggling to put gas in our cars, some “experts” proclaimed that $5 gas would be good for America because it would lead to alternative energy sources, greater conservation, and less pollution. From crisis, positive social change often grows.

The current economic crisis may accelerate changes that will affect men. Quietly, over the last generation, women have made significant educational gains compared to men. There are more women than men attending and graduating from college now and girls outscore boys academically in public school. While men’s earning power is still significantly greater than women’s, income levels for women are rising. In realistic terms, women are gaining power in society.

It appears that as our society evolves and women come closer to educational and vocational parity with men, a re-evaluation of the male gender role is required. Does it make sense to hang on to beliefs that dictate that men must be the breadwinners of the family? The authoritarians? The disciplinarians? The sole decision makers?

Or, do these economic and social changes present opportunities for men to grow? To become more focused on family life? To enter into true partnerships with their life mates? To spend more time parenting? To realize that jobs and careers are not the only things that are important?

What do you think will be the lasting effects of this recession for men? Will it be positive or negative? How are you and other men weathering this tough economy? Drop me an e-mail and let me know what you think. We may revisit the topic in the near future.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu

I couldn’t believe what I overheard as my son, Hayden, challenged his friend Susana.

“My Dad is better than your Dad.”

“Uh uh. My Dad can beat your Dad any day!”

“No way; my Dad can beat your Dad with one hand tied behind his back.”

I stepped closer, in disbelief over what sounded like an argument over which father could whip the other. And then I caught it:

“My Dad CAN SO cook better than your Dad.” They were debating the respective culinary talents of Jorge and me. It occurred to me that something has really changed about fatherhood since I was a child. Imagine, middle school kids actually defending their fathers’ kitchen skills!

My father only cooked two things: steaks on the grill and, on Mother’s Day, breakfast (and Mom had to wash the dishes).

My last two columns have focused on rather dark aspects of masculinity: women’s fear of men and male violence against women. In the spirit of the recent Father’s Day, this column focuses on what men are doing right.

As women have expanded their role in society beyond the home and into the workplace, men are challenged to rethink what it means to be a man, a partner, and a father. Most men are making adjustments.

More men are participating in domestic activities, but the biggest change may be in parenting. A generation ago, few men were deeply involved in the raising of their children. When divorces occurred, children were often abandoned by their fathers. Today, many more men, married and divorced, are engaged in parenting and they are spending more time at it. While much has been made of “quality time” for non-custodial dads, experts are now saying that sloppy, hanging around, quantity time with the kids may be more important.

For all those men who cook for their families, take the kids to school, join the PTA, help with homework, shop for clothes, clean the house, spend time with the kids, and go camping and fishing with them, ACCOLADES! You deserve recognition for all you do.

For the younger men out there who are not yet fathers, don’t rob yourself of the intimacy that comes only from changing diapers, bathing, and dressing your babies. Get involved in their lives early, and stay involved. Never give up on them, listen to them, and focus on their strengths not their challenges. Someday, you may be the subject of an argument over whose dad does the best laundry.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu

Author, and film maker, Jackson Katz, recently made some appearances in Denton County. His most famous work, a film called “Tough Guise,” explores the media’s influence on men who posture as ‘tough’ to hide socially unacceptable feelings of fear and insecurity.

Katz spoke at length about the problems created by labeling sexual assault and domestic violence as “women’s issues.” In reality, sexual and domestic violence occur as the result of male behavior. Over 99% of rapes are committed by men, as are the majority of domestic violence assaults. So why are these crimes termed “women’s issues?”

And why is that a problem for men?

Labeling violent crimes against women as women’s issues is a mistake that ensures the continuation of gender violence.

Confusion is generated when we say “women’s issues” instead of “men’s violence.” The line between victim and perpetrator is blurred. Most men are not rapists, but most men are not interested in the topic of rape, either. Newspapers use passive language to further disconnect men from the violence experienced by women, with headlines that declare “Two Women Assaulted Near University,” and “Domestic Violence Victim Killed.” There is no mention of the men who perpetrated these crimes, thus the focus is on women and the gendered nature of the violence is lost. Most school and university violence prevention models are actually risk reduction programs aimed at girls and women, not boys and men. We teach our daughters the warning signs of abuse in dating relationships, to only go out with groups, and never leave a drink unattended. But what do we teach our sons about men’s violence against women? Nothing. When violence against women is a “women’s issue” we don’t have to do anything about it. As a result, men rarely challenge or confront other men on their sexism.

Katz notes that men have a personal stake in ending violence against women. The victims of this violence are our partners, our friends, our sisters, and our daughters. Eighteen million fathers have daughters who were raped by a man. Our partners may trust us less because of previous abuse at the hands of another man, making intimacy in our relationships difficult. Men’s violence against women diminishes our lives, too.

Finally, referring to these crimes as “women’s issues” allows men to avoid responsibility for the abuse perpetrated by other men; it allows us to not pay attention. As men, violence against women and children is our issue, and it needs to be labeled as such.

By calling men’s violence what it is, we take a first step towards stopping that violence. As an old friend, Claude LaBrosse, once said, “Violence against women will end when men decide it is time for it to end.

Resources for Men:
Denton County Friends of the Family 940-387-5131
Jackson Katz: www.jacksonkatz.com
The Men’s Resource Center for Change: http://www.mrcforchange.org/

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu