by Mark Sandel, msandel@twu.edu

This One’s for You, Bud

For a boy raised in a teetotaling home, the image of Otis, the comical drunk stumbling his way into Andy Griffith’s jail cell was my first exposure to alcohol abuse.

For men born later, that first media impression of alcohol may have come from TV commercials; remember the “Whazzzuppp” guys?  Or the Budweiser frogs? Advertising for every generation conveys the very clear message that drinking booze makes you sexually attractive to svelte young women in bikinis, and if you drink enough, they might just drop out of the sky with parachutes (Note: this rarely happens in real life).

The marketing and social pressure to use alcohol begins early.  I rode the Swinging Spanish Ship ride at Six Flags many years ago with a friend and her children. The crowd on one end began shouting, “TASTES GREAT!” as their end of the boat reached its apex, echoed by the riders on the other end screaming, “LESS FILLING!” as they reached the top.  How would sociologists explain the phenomenon of a hundred children spontaneously shrieking the words to a beer commercial?

The Center for Substance Abuse Research reports that, “Alcohol is the most widely abused psychoactive drug in the United States,” and the rates of alcohol abuse appear to be climbing.  About two thirds of problem drinkers are men, but the effects of alcohol abuse are devastating to both the alcoholic and his family.  Fortunately, help is available.

Alcoholics Anonymous, a fellowship of alcoholics with no dues or fees, publishes a test:

1.    Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but couldn’t?
2.    Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking?
3.    Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another to try and stay sober?
4.    Have you had to have a morning drink in the past year?
5.    Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
6.    Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
7.    Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
8.    Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks at a party?
9.    Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want, but you don’t?
10.    Have you missed work or school because of drinking?
11.    Do you have “blackouts”?
12.    Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you didn’t drink?

According to AA, answering “yes” to four or more of these may indicate a problem.  If you think you may have a problem, please get help.

Resources:  Alcoholics Anonymous, www.aa.org
University Behavioral Health, http://ubhdenton.net

Dying to Be a Man

“Act like a man.”  This phrase, heard often by young men and boys, just might be a death sentence.

Men die younger than women. The life expectancy for men today is about 6 years less than for women. By age 35, women outnumber men, and the gap continues to widen with age.  Bt age 100, there are 8 women alive for every man.

It is not just heart attacks; men lead the way in all natural death categories, including cancer and strokes. But the biggest factor is that men die violently in far greater numbers than do women.

Researchers have noted that the gender gap in death rates is the highest in young adulthood, primarily because of risky and violent behaviors. Men drive faster and more aggressively than women and are less likely to wear seatbelts. Young men are also prone to random acts of stupidity in the form of dangerous stunts. Type “Stupid Stunts Gone Bad” into Google if you want to see a few thousand examples.

Mark Stibich, Ph.D., suggested ten behavioral changes men can make to avoid an early death.  The top five items are:
1.  Avoid Violence.    Boys aged 15-19 are twice as likely to be victims of homicide than girls.
2.  Drive Safely.   The automobile death rate for men is double that of women.
3.  Work Safely. 92% of workplace fatalities are male.  Many men work dangerous jobs, and Stibich notes that men don’t read instruction manuals which could lessen risks.
4.  Don’t Drink (Too Much), Smoke or Use Drugs.   Men do all three more than women.  There are, of course, long term health consequences for drinking and drugging, but these behaviors are also associated with risky behaviors in the short term (go back to your Google search).
5.  Get Regular Checkups.   Men usually don’t go the doctor unless something hurts.

The good news is that some fairly simple lifestyle changes could reduce the gender death rate disparity.  One reward for men who live longer may be in their sex lives. According to Cosmos Magazine, “Men are more than twice as likely as women to be sexually active in old age, and more likely to report it as good quality.”

While geriatric sex may not be on the radar of most young men, it might be a good reason not to set yourself on fire and ride your bike off the roof into a kiddie pool while your friend videotapes it.

We Can Work It Out

by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

There’s good news, bad news, really bad news, and some interesting news for men, and it’s all about the recession.

The good news: The economists tell us that the recession of the last three years is easing.  Of course, this is no comfort to those who have lost jobs, homes, and in some cases, hope.

Now the bad news for men: over 7 million Americans have lost jobs during this recession, and about 80% of them were men. And the unemployment figures do not include the hundreds of thousands of men who have given up trying to find work, those who don’t even bother to register for unemployment anymore.  There is a new category for them: “discouraged” workers.

And now, the really bad news: some men are suffering more than others. Men aged 35 to 54 have been hardest hit, and those bountiful mid-career years have traditionally built retirement plans and inflated Social Security retirement benefits. For men in mid-life, the recession may have a negative effect that lasts a lifetime.

Unemployment among black men has soared to alarming levels, in large part to downturns in certain sectors of the economy including the auto industry and manufacturing.  Here in Texas the slowdown in construction has been particularly devastating to Hispanic men.

And now the interesting news; a social tipping point of tremendous magnitude occurred in February with little fanfare.  For the first time in American history, more women than men were employed.  Of course, the balance shifted dramatically as a result of the large number of men who lost jobs during the last three years, but women have consistently been making gains in both employment and income in relation to men for many years. Several bloggers have cited this development as “proof” that women have taken over, that men can’t get ahead, that society is unfair to men. Is that the case, or is there more to the story?

The recession seems to be accelerating a social change that was born decades ago: the move toward a more equitable society for women. A number of positive things for men have come from this slow evolution of gender roles.  Most men have become better parents and partners, for instance. But the lousy economy and the unemployment that has hit men particularly hard may force us to further evolve as we reconsider our role as providers.

Unfortunately, for the men and their families who are suffering through this crisis, these grand social change perspectives are of little consolation. So, I refer you back to the good news at the beginning of this article. The recession will not last forever and the job market will improve. In the meantime, I encourage men to seek all the support and help they can to avoid becoming  “discouraged” workers. Hope, while in short supply these days, is a valuable commodity.

by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

On Dads and Their Daughters

She was born sixteen years ago, surrounded by love and family.  Hannah, my first born, looking so much like her father that a stranger in the nursery said, “Mister, it’s going to be hard for you to deny that one!”  She was a real Daddy’s girl from day one.

I remember the complete and total love I felt for her then, along with a healthy dose of fear and anxiety. Sixteen years passed quickly, and I still find myself filled with love, but also with more fear and anxiety about this young woman; then it was diapers and bottles, now it is independence, freedom, and (shudder) high school boys (I used to BE one).

When I feel most incompetent in my parenting, it is with my daughter. I sometimes bungle opportunities and lecture when I should listen. I suspect I am not alone, that other men sometimes feel the same inadequacies with their girls.

As a little girl she was extremely strong willed and I encouraged her to be so.  No modern father wants his daughter to grow up to be dependent on a man, to be unable to support herself, to be submissive. We want more: strong daughters, adult daughters that refuse to be controlled, daughters that can think for themselves.

Research has shown that good relationships with fathers help girls become successful in school and work, develop healthy relationships with other men, take on new challenges, have higher self esteem, and more independence. We fathers can and do impact our daughters in significant and positive ways.

In my experience, parenting a baby girl was lots easier than parenting a teenager. Sure, there were stinky diapers and burp rags, but those were trivial inconveniences compared to the delicate issues that young women present to their fathers.

I have learned that my daughter does not always share my sense of humor.  Like the baseball cap with the long gray ponytail attached that I wore to a school function: I have nothing against ponytails, but apparently Hannah does.  She was mortified and furious.  It was the same when I picked her up from a school dance wearing full cowboy regalia, including chaps. My joke—intended to solicit eye-rolling and a smile—brought tears and embarrassment instead.

As Hannah has grown towards adulthood, I find that I have to work harder at listening and finding things in common with her. I want her to trust men, but I don’t want her to trust men too much (surely a confusing position). I suspect I am not the only father in Denton County that struggles with how to be a positive force in his daughter’s life.

Resource: www.thedadman.com Joe Kelly is an author and expert on fathers and daughters.

Mark Sandel, LMSW, is an Associate Professor in the College of Arts and Sciences at Texas Woman’s University.  He may be reached at msandel@twu.edu

by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

Men and Emotions

I was seventeen when he died.  It had been a quick illness:  he died young, leaving a widow with three teenaged children. The morning of the funeral two men, both important to me, pulled me aside at different times, and, as if they had choreographed it, gave me the identical talk.

“You are the man of the family now.  You have to be strong for your mother, your little brother, and your sister.”

“You can’t show any weakness.  They are counting on you.”

“You can’t cry today, even at the funeral.”

And I didn’t cry anymore that day.  I didn’t cry again for many years.  What happened to that seventeen-year old boy that day was wrong. To deny a grieving young man the ability to express his feelings — his hurt, his fear, and his insecurities – is to take away his humanity.  Yet it happened to me just as it has happened to millions of other men and boys. Although it may have happened differently to each of us, we were taught from an early age to hide our feelings. The sole exception to this rule is anger – anger masks the real underlying emotions but is the only feeling that men are allowed to share with others.

Men are born with the same range of emotions as women. As babies we feel fear, we cry, we are insecure, we feel loved – and we are capable of sharing those feelings.   But society, in ways both subtle and glaring, teaches us to hide those emotions in order to “be a man.”  And so we bury them down deep, invisible to those around us and to ourselves.

We use different types of nails to secure the hatch that suppresses our emotions.  Some men use alcohol, some become workaholics, and others use rage to mask their real feelings.  Regardless of the tactics men use to avoid feeling fear, pain, and insecurity, the impact on us and those around us is the same:  weaker relationships, more stress, and greater dissatisfaction with life.

Expressing true feelings can be uncomfortable.  For those who are not used to it, letting another know that you experience anxiety, apprehension, or confusion feels vulnerable. We worry that others will see us as “weak” and “take advantage of us” without our emotional armor.  However, for men who learn to share appropriately on an emotional level, the pay-off is enormous:  closer relationships with loved ones and a tremendous reduction in anxiety and stress.

Go online and type “emotions list” in your search engine. When you feel angry or frustrated, refer to the list of emotions, and share two or three non-anger related feelings in this format:

“I feel ______,  ______, and ______ when ______ happens.  I just need to let you know that.”

It’s a risk worth taking.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU.  He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu

A few weeks ago, the Dallas Morning News ran a front-page story titled “Daddy’s New Job.” It explained that the number of stay-at-home dads is increasing due to the economic recession. Because of lay offs in construction, manufacturing, and other traditional male bastions, 80% of the people who lost jobs in the last year were men. Another article in the same paper reported that “Companies with female managers are more profitable.”

What does this mean for men? What does the future hold in store for the gender? The silver lining in our economic storm may be some positive changes for men.

Sweeping social change often follows a period of crisis. The very first government assistance program followed the devastation of the Civil War. During the Great Depression, when many families failed through no fault of their own, Social Security and other social programs were born. The modern fight for civil rights was in part triggered by WWII, when the military began the integration of troops. The same World War led to the unprecedented prosperity of the 50’s and 60’s via the GI Bill for the returning veterans. The economic gloom of the 1970’s may have been as responsible for the dramatic increase of women in the workplace as were no-fault divorces and the Women’s Rights movement.

Just last year, while most of us were struggling to put gas in our cars, some “experts” proclaimed that $5 gas would be good for America because it would lead to alternative energy sources, greater conservation, and less pollution. From crisis, positive social change often grows.

The current economic crisis may accelerate changes that will affect men. Quietly, over the last generation, women have made significant educational gains compared to men. There are more women than men attending and graduating from college now and girls outscore boys academically in public school. While men’s earning power is still significantly greater than women’s, income levels for women are rising. In realistic terms, women are gaining power in society.

It appears that as our society evolves and women come closer to educational and vocational parity with men, a re-evaluation of the male gender role is required. Does it make sense to hang on to beliefs that dictate that men must be the breadwinners of the family? The authoritarians? The disciplinarians? The sole decision makers?

Or, do these economic and social changes present opportunities for men to grow? To become more focused on family life? To enter into true partnerships with their life mates? To spend more time parenting? To realize that jobs and careers are not the only things that are important?

What do you think will be the lasting effects of this recession for men? Will it be positive or negative? How are you and other men weathering this tough economy? Drop me an e-mail and let me know what you think. We may revisit the topic in the near future.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu