Have A Spring Fling

You can call it a spring fling or call it spawning time but one of the rites of spring in Texas is fishing for white bass.  Weighing no more than three to four pounds, they are a bit small, but the numbers will make up for it as they migrate up rivers and streams from now through May on their annual spawn run.

While moving and making that trek they feed ravenously, and this will make them easy to catch, even for those fishing from the shore. If you will notice, in areas with bridges, you will see lots of cars parked around them.  There is a payoff  below as the spawning run is in progress and the hundreds to literally thousands of bass moving through can be a superb offering for fishermen.

Spawning beds too offer excitement that black bass fisherman can’t get at other times of the year.  Seeing lots of fish is fun, but the challenge right at the bed is getting them to bite. Spawning bass can be disinterested, since while spawning they are not interested in eating, so you will want to work your bait into their spawning beds and shake it up right in front of them. Looking for the right area is fairly easy, shallow grass offers a good spawning bed. If you search the edges for an opening, you may find one that pays off.  If the bottom is too soft for spawning, bass will make their beds near the root of lily pads or around old submerged stumps and the like.

You should watch for bluegills hanging around.  They tend to wait for a chance to munch on bass eggs, so when you see them, experts at Field & Stream recommend using swim bait (look at the ones in the Mattlures series). The bass will mistake it for a bluegill predator and gulp it up.

Texas is one of the best bass fishing states in the U.S., enjoy it this spring.

February 14 is just around the corner and you know what that means – love is in the air. There are lots of ways to declare your love this Valentine’s Day, but the reality is very few gifts have a lasting impact. This year, why not make your display of affection a gift that not only shows how much you care, but also a gift she really will remember. Whether you want to buy an extravagant present or you’ve only got a few bucks to spare, whether you’re shopping for your romantic love or your lovely grandma, you can find a gift that makes her feel like you really….I mean really, chose it just for her.

Be a real valentine?  Is that what I am suggesting here? Okay guys, we are going to take an oath this year, we are going to plan ahead and make her Valentine’s Day special. No stopping on the way home just to grab a handful of flowers or a box of chocolates. Nope not us, right?

Maybe we could launch our new found bow-n-arrow trek by sending an e-card to start her day.  It is an easy way to reach out and what a surprise it will be.  Decided!!!  We can start her day with a quick email card surprise.

Truly though, no Valentine’s Day is complete without a box of chocolates or a sweet smelling flower bouquet, so in the name of love, no buying without thought,we will plan ahead and actually make a selection that fits her.   That does means actually dropping by the local florist or chocolate shop to pick out the gift….ahead of time.  Remember, thoughtful gifts are almost always treasured.

But if those are not the right ticket for your love, well, I used to hear the old saying, “Who doesn’t love getting flowers, especially for Valentine’s Day,” I know the answer to that perplexing question now.  It’s the gal who loves jewelry, that’s who!   If a piece of jewelry is her heart’s desire; choose ahead and choose with her wants in mind. Lucky us, guys, we have great jewelers in the area and they have experts waiting to guide us through the selection process.  We will stop by soon to ask for help!

To put the ole red ribbon on the Heart Day, write a note expressing how we feel to go with that gift. A thought-out handwritten note can melted a heart and can change the whole presence of a gift.

The only thing left to give her now is you, add in a little romantic time together and it will mean more than any gift alone.  From her standpoint, great memories are always made by time together.

Salute to my Valentine Buds, Good Luck!

‘Tis the season fellas!  We all love these holiday times but secretly even the best of us guys dread trying to live up to Santa  Man.  I have some pointers, just a few suggestions, and some are the mine fields that you need to be aware of.  Many are tried and true; some just make sense and one or two that I will be trying out this season myself.  Good Luck to us all, maybe we can all be the big Holly Hero this year.

These are some things I know:

Look around, those catalogs sitting on the sofa table with little dog-eared pages?  Those are hints, possibilities and maybe suggestions, check them out.

Tight, low cut, red sweaters are not the answer EVERY year.

Your gal may or may not be the norm, you know her best, tap into all that knowledge.  Some gals would actually love to get a vacuum for a gift and others will pluck your eyes out while you sleep for giving such a gift.  You better know your gal’s preferences.

And most important, the ‘for sure’ in the entire gift giving scenario, she wants to know that she was special enough for you to take the time on her.  Knowing that it doesn’t come completely natural for most of us guys, we need to plan it out then, Stick to the plan.  Here is mine…

Times have changed so much in the gift giving world.  The days of a surprise gift that you never thought of having is FAR behind us now.  No option for you to pick out something she never expected….dude, if she never thought of having it then she probably won’t ever want it…ever!  So don’t get carried away with yourself.  Check your plan.

Don’t get too comfortable with the knowledge of knowing what she wants either.  You can’t just run out and buy the exact three gifts you know she has mentioned.  Take my word for this one, and I quote  “If I was going to get the first three items on my list, I could have done that for myself”.  Stick to your plan.

The Plan

Remember first and foremost my friends, that this is not about you.  It has nothing to do with how this will affect you (little nighties or a ticket to the upcoming concert of your favorite band included).   This is about HER.

Make your decisions.  How much can I spend and how would I like to see that play-out at our gift giving time.  What I am saying, that we so often miss,  if I am spending $200.00 and would like her to get to open 5 gifts, then as I look over “the list” and a 50 minute Tropical Pedicure from Coldwater Creek at $70.00 (hello, a great suggestion guys)  is going to then set the limits of the other four items.

Start now.  That is not meant to imply that you can start thinking about what you will buy.  Give yourself a timeline and use it.

Make your list and don’t let impulse guide you away.  Once you are out shopping, don’t deviate.  Impulse will get you into trouble on many fronts, financial included.  She will not enjoy a gift that she later has to help pay for.

If you have never tried a stocking, put it on your plan this year.  She will love waking up to a little stocking with small sweet treats inside.  Simple items like her favorite breath mints, a pair of cuddly socks and her favorite magazine would be perfect.  None of those are expensive and yet, she will be thrilled that you took the extra time and effort.

Now last thing guys, wrap the dang thing.  This is another of those monumental little “learn from my mistakes” suggestions I will pass to you.  At the gift giving festivities do not ask if she wants it wrapped!  As the words echo in my head, ‘exactly what is she supposed to answer to that, obviously it is not wrapped already?’

My gift giving experiences and wounds have taught me that all she is wanting, is to see the results of you taking some time to show she is worth you taking some time and effort…for her.

One last note buddies, if you are reading this because it was left open on your desk or magazine pile then feel very secure that SHE agrees, at least in part, with what I have suggested.  This is your hint, but more importantly it is her hope for a Ho Ho Ho from her Santa Man.

‘Wassup’ is for lakes, rivers and bays without surf, just right for North Texas.  Stand-up paddle boards are surfing’s newest device.  Stand-up paddle surfing became the big hit of the summer this year. In warmer parts of the country, like right here, it’s still going strong.  True surfing enthusiasts proclaim that “this sport sort of came from out of nowhere.”   From the stars to the athletes, from the young to the old, everyone’s catching waves in a new way.  Once you own your board, you can beat high gas prices while being in the fastest-growing water sport around.  Dave Kalama, a champion Stand Up Paddler who is proclaimed to be the world’s greatest waterman says “It’s like walking on water.”

Surfboard makers say paddle boards are the fastest-growing segment of the industry. Sales have mushroomed in surprising places such as Chicago, Boise, Idaho and Austin, according to Surftech, a Santa Cruz, California-based manufacturer.

In addition to being down right sporty and a great new water recreation the stand-up board has now taken off as part of a fitness craze. The additional element of cross training that comes with SUP surfing is a bonus, this sport provides a total body workout.   Since humans are made to stand upright; stand up paddling leads to less muscular imbalance than regular surfing. The position of standing parallel on the board works the legs more and the pivoting and leaning work the abs. All this leads to better conditioning for other sport activities.   Paddling exertion will also benefit the arms, back, shoulders, abdomen and legs. All in all, mixing fun and cool water with a workout also increases success probabilities.

Known as SUP (pronounced “Wassup”); the popular board is about 32 inches wide.  While this is one of many boards available it is one that will be good in the lakes, rivers and streams of our area rather than boards made for coastal areas. Some luxury models are available at surfing stores, but Costco sells a board-and-paddle set for $429.

Paddlers wear a flotation device and stand with feet apart and knees slightly bent. Newcomers should first kneel on the board and paddle before trying to rise to a standing position. Once standing, it’s pretty easy to stay that way.  Larger boards can accommodate two people for a combo ride.

Jump in, get wet and fit up, stats indicate you will enjoy the ride.

This One’s for You, Bud

For a boy raised in a teetotaling home, the image of Otis, the comical drunk stumbling his way into Andy Griffith’s jail cell was my first exposure to alcohol abuse.

For men born later, that first media impression of alcohol may have come from TV commercials; remember the “Whazzzuppp” guys?  Or the Budweiser frogs? Advertising for every generation conveys the very clear message that drinking booze makes you sexually attractive to svelte young women in bikinis, and if you drink enough, they might just drop out of the sky with parachutes (Note: this rarely happens in real life).

The marketing and social pressure to use alcohol begins early.  I rode the Swinging Spanish Ship ride at Six Flags many years ago with a friend and her children. The crowd on one end began shouting, “TASTES GREAT!” as their end of the boat reached its apex, echoed by the riders on the other end screaming, “LESS FILLING!” as they reached the top.  How would sociologists explain the phenomenon of a hundred children spontaneously shrieking the words to a beer commercial?

The Center for Substance Abuse Research reports that, “Alcohol is the most widely abused psychoactive drug in the United States,” and the rates of alcohol abuse appear to be climbing.  About two thirds of problem drinkers are men, but the effects of alcohol abuse are devastating to both the alcoholic and his family.  Fortunately, help is available.

Alcoholics Anonymous, a fellowship of alcoholics with no dues or fees, publishes a test:

1.    Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but couldn’t?
2.    Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking?
3.    Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another to try and stay sober?
4.    Have you had to have a morning drink in the past year?
5.    Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
6.    Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?
7.    Has your drinking caused trouble at home?
8.    Do you ever try to get “extra” drinks at a party?
9.    Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want, but you don’t?
10.    Have you missed work or school because of drinking?
11.    Do you have “blackouts”?
12.    Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you didn’t drink?

According to AA, answering “yes” to four or more of these may indicate a problem.  If you think you may have a problem, please get help.

Resources:  Alcoholics Anonymous, www.aa.org
University Behavioral Health, http://ubhdenton.net

“Act like a man.”  This phrase, heard often by young men and boys, just might be a death sentence.

Men die younger than women. The life expectancy for men today is about 6 years less than for women. By age 35, women outnumber men, and the gap continues to widen with age.  Bt age 100, there are 8 women alive for every man.

It is not just heart attacks; men lead the way in all natural death categories, including cancer and strokes. But the biggest factor is that men die violently in far greater numbers than do women.

Researchers have noted that the gender gap in death rates is the highest in young adulthood, primarily because of risky and violent behaviors. Men drive faster and more aggressively than women and are less likely to wear seatbelts. Young men are also prone to random acts of stupidity in the form of dangerous stunts. Type “Stupid Stunts Gone Bad” into Google if you want to see a few thousand examples.

Mark Stibich, Ph.D., suggested ten behavioral changes men can make to avoid an early death.  The top five items are:
1.  Avoid Violence.    Boys aged 15-19 are twice as likely to be victims of homicide than girls.
2.  Drive Safely.   The automobile death rate for men is double that of women.
3.  Work Safely. 92% of workplace fatalities are male.  Many men work dangerous jobs, and Stibich notes that men don’t read instruction manuals which could lessen risks.
4.  Don’t Drink (Too Much), Smoke or Use Drugs.   Men do all three more than women.  There are, of course, long term health consequences for drinking and drugging, but these behaviors are also associated with risky behaviors in the short term (go back to your Google search).
5.  Get Regular Checkups.   Men usually don’t go the doctor unless something hurts.

The good news is that some fairly simple lifestyle changes could reduce the gender death rate disparity.  One reward for men who live longer may be in their sex lives. According to Cosmos Magazine, “Men are more than twice as likely as women to be sexually active in old age, and more likely to report it as good quality.”

While geriatric sex may not be on the radar of most young men, it might be a good reason not to set yourself on fire and ride your bike off the roof into a kiddie pool while your friend videotapes it.

by Mark Sandel
msandel@twu.edu

There’s good news, bad news, really bad news, and some interesting news for men, and it’s all about the recession.

The good news: The economists tell us that the recession of the last three years is easing.  Of course, this is no comfort to those who have lost jobs, homes, and in some cases, hope.

Now the bad news for men: over 7 million Americans have lost jobs during this recession, and about 80% of them were men. And the unemployment figures do not include the hundreds of thousands of men who have given up trying to find work, those who don’t even bother to register for unemployment anymore.  There is a new category for them: “discouraged” workers.

And now, the really bad news: some men are suffering more than others. Men aged 35 to 54 have been hardest hit, and those bountiful mid-career years have traditionally built retirement plans and inflated Social Security retirement benefits. For men in mid-life, the recession may have a negative effect that lasts a lifetime.

Unemployment among black men has soared to alarming levels, in large part to downturns in certain sectors of the economy including the auto industry and manufacturing.  Here in Texas the slowdown in construction has been particularly devastating to Hispanic men.

And now the interesting news; a social tipping point of tremendous magnitude occurred in February with little fanfare.  For the first time in American history, more women than men were employed.  Of course, the balance shifted dramatically as a result of the large number of men who lost jobs during the last three years, but women have consistently been making gains in both employment and income in relation to men for many years. Several bloggers have cited this development as “proof” that women have taken over, that men can’t get ahead, that society is unfair to men. Is that the case, or is there more to the story?

The recession seems to be accelerating a social change that was born decades ago: the move toward a more equitable society for women. A number of positive things for men have come from this slow evolution of gender roles.  Most men have become better parents and partners, for instance. But the lousy economy and the unemployment that has hit men particularly hard may force us to further evolve as we reconsider our role as providers.

Unfortunately, for the men and their families who are suffering through this crisis, these grand social change perspectives are of little consolation. So, I refer you back to the good news at the beginning of this article. The recession will not last forever and the job market will improve. In the meantime, I encourage men to seek all the support and help they can to avoid becoming  “discouraged” workers. Hope, while in short supply these days, is a valuable commodity.

On Dads and Their Daughters

She was born sixteen years ago, surrounded by love and family.  Hannah, my first born, looking so much like her father that a stranger in the nursery said, “Mister, it’s going to be hard for you to deny that one!”  She was a real Daddy’s girl from day one.

I remember the complete and total love I felt for her then, along with a healthy dose of fear and anxiety. Sixteen years passed quickly, and I still find myself filled with love, but also with more fear and anxiety about this young woman; then it was diapers and bottles, now it is independence, freedom, and (shudder) high school boys (I used to BE one).

When I feel most incompetent in my parenting, it is with my daughter. I sometimes bungle opportunities and lecture when I should listen. I suspect I am not alone, that other men sometimes feel the same inadequacies with their girls.

As a little girl she was extremely strong willed and I encouraged her to be so.  No modern father wants his daughter to grow up to be dependent on a man, to be unable to support herself, to be submissive. We want more: strong daughters, adult daughters that refuse to be controlled, daughters that can think for themselves.

Research has shown that good relationships with fathers help girls become successful in school and work, develop healthy relationships with other men, take on new challenges, have higher self esteem, and more independence. We fathers can and do impact our daughters in significant and positive ways.

In my experience, parenting a baby girl was lots easier than parenting a teenager. Sure, there were stinky diapers and burp rags, but those were trivial inconveniences compared to the delicate issues that young women present to their fathers.

I have learned that my daughter does not always share my sense of humor.  Like the baseball cap with the long gray ponytail attached that I wore to a school function: I have nothing against ponytails, but apparently Hannah does.  She was mortified and furious.  It was the same when I picked her up from a school dance wearing full cowboy regalia, including chaps. My joke—intended to solicit eye-rolling and a smile—brought tears and embarrassment instead.

As Hannah has grown towards adulthood, I find that I have to work harder at listening and finding things in common with her. I want her to trust men, but I don’t want her to trust men too much (surely a confusing position). I suspect I am not the only father in Denton County that struggles with how to be a positive force in his daughter’s life.

Resource: www.thedadman.com Joe Kelly is an author and expert on fathers and daughters.

Mark Sandel, LMSW, is an Associate Professor in the College of Arts and Sciences at Texas Woman’s University.  He may be reached at msandel@twu.edu

Men and Emotions

I was seventeen when he died.  It had been a quick illness:  he died young, leaving a widow with three teenaged children. The morning of the funeral two men, both important to me, pulled me aside at different times, and, as if they had choreographed it, gave me the identical talk.

“You are the man of the family now.  You have to be strong for your mother, your little brother, and your sister.”

“You can’t show any weakness.  They are counting on you.”

“You can’t cry today, even at the funeral.”

And I didn’t cry anymore that day.  I didn’t cry again for many years.  What happened to that seventeen-year old boy that day was wrong. To deny a grieving young man the ability to express his feelings — his hurt, his fear, and his insecurities – is to take away his humanity.  Yet it happened to me just as it has happened to millions of other men and boys. Although it may have happened differently to each of us, we were taught from an early age to hide our feelings. The sole exception to this rule is anger – anger masks the real underlying emotions but is the only feeling that men are allowed to share with others.

Men are born with the same range of emotions as women. As babies we feel fear, we cry, we are insecure, we feel loved – and we are capable of sharing those feelings.   But society, in ways both subtle and glaring, teaches us to hide those emotions in order to “be a man.”  And so we bury them down deep, invisible to those around us and to ourselves.

We use different types of nails to secure the hatch that suppresses our emotions.  Some men use alcohol, some become workaholics, and others use rage to mask their real feelings.  Regardless of the tactics men use to avoid feeling fear, pain, and insecurity, the impact on us and those around us is the same:  weaker relationships, more stress, and greater dissatisfaction with life.

Expressing true feelings can be uncomfortable.  For those who are not used to it, letting another know that you experience anxiety, apprehension, or confusion feels vulnerable. We worry that others will see us as “weak” and “take advantage of us” without our emotional armor.  However, for men who learn to share appropriately on an emotional level, the pay-off is enormous:  closer relationships with loved ones and a tremendous reduction in anxiety and stress.

Go online and type “emotions list” in your search engine. When you feel angry or frustrated, refer to the list of emotions, and share two or three non-anger related feelings in this format:

“I feel ______,  ______, and ______ when ______ happens.  I just need to let you know that.”

It’s a risk worth taking.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU.  He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu

What does this mean for men? What does the future hold in store for the gender? The silver lining in our economic storm may be some positive changes for men.

Sweeping social change often follows a period of crisis. The very first government assistance program followed the devastation of the Civil War. During the Great Depression, when many families failed through no fault of their own, Social Security and other social programs were born. The modern fight for civil rights was in part triggered by WWII, when the military began the integration of troops. The same World War led to the unprecedented prosperity of the 50’s and 60’s via the GI Bill for the returning veterans. The economic gloom of the 1970’s may have been as responsible for the dramatic increase of women in the workplace as were no-fault divorces and the Women’s Rights movement.

Just last year, while most of us were struggling to put gas in our cars, some “experts” proclaimed that $5 gas would be good for America because it would lead to alternative energy sources, greater conservation, and less pollution. From crisis, positive social change often grows.

The current economic crisis may accelerate changes that will affect men. Quietly, over the last generation, women have made significant educational gains compared to men. There are more women than men attending and graduating from college now and girls outscore boys academically in public school. While men’s earning power is still significantly greater than women’s, income levels for women are rising. In realistic terms, women are gaining power in society.

It appears that as our society evolves and women come closer to educational and vocational parity with men, a re-evaluation of the male gender role is required. Does it make sense to hang on to beliefs that dictate that men must be the breadwinners of the family? The authoritarians? The disciplinarians? The sole decision makers?

Or, do these economic and social changes present opportunities for men to grow? To become more focused on family life? To enter into true partnerships with their life mates? To spend more time parenting? To realize that jobs and careers are not the only things that are important?

What do you think will be the lasting effects of this recession for men? Will it be positive or negative? How are you and other men weathering this tough economy? Drop me an e-mail and let me know what you think. We may revisit the topic in the near future.

Mark Sandel is an Associate Professor of Social Work in the College of Arts and Sciences at TWU. He welcomes comments or suggestions for future columns at msandel@twu.edu