Happiness is a Choice

Are you happy?  Do you think happiness is out of your control?  Do you think the events in your life are what determine if you are happy are not?  According to a Gallup study, 57% of Americans are happy, 40% are trying to be happy, and 3% are suffering.  Are you part of the 40% trying to get happy?  While genes may account for up to 50% of our happiness, the good news is that we can control the other 50%, so happiness can be learned and managed.

It is not what happens to us in life but how we react to it that matters.  When you choose happiness it does not mean you will not experience challenges, but happiness is a choice and shouldn’t be determined by outside circumstances.  You can feel like a victim and let it affect your happiness or you can look for the good in the situation, find a solution, and know that this, too, will pass.  A great tool for helping to eliminate stress and to increase happiness is to breathe!  According to Harvard University, spending just 10 minutes a day sitting still and breathing can increase happiness.

Happiness is also not about having more things. Dan Buettner, author of Thrive: Finding Happiness – the Blue Zone, says that the happiness that comes from a new purchase such as a new vehicle lasts, on average, about nine months. So don’t look outside yourself for things to make you happy.  Happiness comes from within, so make a decision to be happy.  Make sure to mind your mind and think happy, healthy thoughts, as they will determine your emotions, your feelings, and in turn your happiness.

Avoid unnecessary worry and realize that 90% of what you worry about never happens.  Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.  Instead, let them go and don’t expend valuable energy on those things. Worrying will just paralyze you and keep you from taking action. Let the worry go, take action, and get busy controlling what you can.    Don’t worry, be happy!

How often does fear and self-doubt hold you back?  Do you find yourself avoiding something you really want to do because of fear?  How would your life be different if you knew you could handle anything?

The New Year has always been a time of reflection and making resolutions.  Oftentimes, fear and self-doubt get in the way of people achieving their goals.  Here are some facts about fear:

•  You will always have fear if you are growing and stepping out of your comfort zone.
•  The only way to get rid of fear is to push through it.
•  Everyone has fear.
•  The real fear is that you think you won’t be able to handle whatever happens, not the thing you fear.
•  Affirmations are a great tool to use for becoming more confident, trusting yourself and changing thoughts of self-doubt into empowerment.

Many people stay stuck, thinking that the fear will go away. However, it is the doing that makes it go away. We can’t wish fear away or pray it away. The only way to get rid of it is to push through it and move from pain and paralysis into trust and power, turning indecision into action.

If you knew you could handle anything that came your way would you have any fear? Of course not! What would there be to fear?  It is important to develop your ability to trust yourself and believe you can handle anything that comes along.

A great affirmation to start with is “I can handle it!”  Repeat that affirmation many times daily, over and over again.  We fear what we think about so if your focus is on being confident and trusting, that you can handle anything, you will no longer be thinking about fear.  Affirmations are positive statements that can help you believe in yourself.  Use them.  You will become empowered by them, turning your self-defeating inner dialogue into positive, affirming thoughts.

Trust in yourself and your ability to handle whatever comes your way; push through the fear to achieve your dreams and aspirations.

Are you a people pleaser who has a hard time saying “no?” Do you say “yes” when you want to say “no?” Do you feel guilty if you say “no?” If so, you are not alone.

When we try to be all things to all people, we can easily get out of balance, feel overwhelmed, and lose ourselves. If we say “yes” when we want to say “no” because we feel obligated, we can become resentful and end up doing the task poorly or not at all.

Stop putting yourself last and instead put some of the attention on you!  In order to say “yes” to yourself, sometimes you have to say “no” to others. Here are some tips on how to do that.

•    Start slowly, with baby steps. Start with something small like, “No, I don’t want to go to that restaurant.” You will feel more confident as you go along and it will become easier.

•    “No” is a complete sentence. Don’t feel like you need to justify, understand, defend, or explain. “No” is “no” and that is all you need to say.

•    Sometimes “no” can be the beginning of a negotiation. If the other person is not happy with your “no,” it is his or her responsibility to come back to you and start the negotiation. At that point you can say, “I can’t do that but I can do this” or “I don’t know how to do that, but I can help you find someone who can.

•    Oftentimes, we are caught by surprise and just don’t know how to say “no.” If that happens, pause for a few seconds and say, “Let me check my calendar and I will get back to you.” That will give you time to gain control and come back with a “no.”

You are not a bad person if you say “no!” Getting rid of the “disease to please” is a process, but it is better than being overwhelmed and feeling resentful about how you spend your time and energy. Saying “no” can be very empowering; try it!

by Mardi Allen, Life Coach
Mardi@CoachMardi.net
Have you ever asked yourself, “Why me?” Or how about, “Why can’t I do this, why did this happen to me, why did they do that to me?”  The questions we ask ourselves strongly impact how we live our lives and how we deal with challenges.  They will empower you or they can leave you powerless.

When you ask a question, such as “Why am I so unhappy?” your brain will search for examples to find out.  It may not even be true or relevant, but your brain will come up with answers.  If you ask, “Why did I do that? It was so stupid,” you will stay focused on your shortcomings instead of your strengths. What if instead you asked, “What I can do to change my behavior next time?” That approach puts you in control, moves you into acceptance, and then into action and change.

We all have challenges in our lives and the questions we ask can help us get through them quickly with grace, or can keep us stuck in a rut being the victim. Parents often discipline children by having them go to their rooms and spend an hour thinking about what they did wrong. What if instead they thought about what they could do differently next time?

Pay attention to the consistent questions you ask yourself and start asking questions that will empower you.  Where do you want to spend your time, dwelling on something you really can’t do anything about, or on a solution to change?

Instead of asking:
•  Why me?  Ask what can I learn from this?
•  What is wrong with me?  Ask what can I do to change this behavior?
•  Why did they do that to me?  Ask what do I need to do to attract the
right people into my life?
•  Why am I so sad?  Ask what can I do to lift my spirits?
•  Why can’t I do this?  Ask how can I do this?

The wrong questions keep you focused on your shortcomings, so ask the right questions, focus on your strengths, and move into action and power.

Tell a New Story

Are you trapped in the past and telling the same old negative stories over and over again?  Do you find yourself repeating negative events that happened to you years ago?  Do you wish the events would have been different and are you holding on to blame and anger?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, you are not alone. I saw a television show where women in their thirties and forties were still holding on to the fact they were teased in school.  One woman was homeschooling her children solely based on the fact that she was teased in school over 30 years ago.

It is easy to become attached to these negative stories and keep repeating them to anyone who will listen. Words are very powerful and reliving your negative stories may keep you in a victim role, disempowered, and stuck in the past, unable to move forward to a happy, healthy place. Become aware of the negative stories, how often you repeat them, and why you are telling them.  Is it for sympathy or attention?

Stop playing the blame game and take responsibility for your happiness and your life.  Forgive anyone who has ever hurt you and forgive yourself.  Forgiveness is a huge key to inner peace. Holding onto resentment and anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Change your greeting and how you respond to others. Instead of identifying with the suffering start affirming your strengths and always use a positive greeting.  Become empowered and identify with your greatness. Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we deal with it, so choose to tell a new story and get rid of that old tape recorder. Release the past with love and let it go, as it no longer serves you. Heal, move on, and choose to live in the present with peace and happiness.

Follow Through…You are as Good as Your Word

Do you have a list of good intentions but you have not followed through yet?  How many times have you promised something to someone and not followed through?

The best advice I ever received from a former boss of mine was the importance of “follow through.” While sharing with me his secrets of success, he felt this was one of the most important skills he embodied. Throughout my career, I have found that to be instrumental in my success.

One definition of follow through is carrying a project or intention to full completion. People who keep their promises are regarded as having integrity, while those who don’t may not be taken seriously. It also can affect how you feel about yourself. Unfulfilled promises to self can drain you of energy and make you feel badly about yourself and add to the unresolved baggage that you carry around.

I don’t think most people are insincere about their intentions; it is just that they don’t follow through. In this time of amazing technology, it’s faster and easier to connect to others yet it requires a new set of organizational skills and more of a commitment to go past the intention.

1.  Make a commitment to self to follow through.   Start small and build on that.  We don’t change overnight.

2.  It is about process and not perfection.  If you need to get back to someone, do it even if it is a one-sentence communication.  It does not need to be perfect.

3.  Do the hard things first.   Avoiding them just contributes to you feeling bad about self. It is so much easier to avoid follow through on perceived difficult tasks.

4.  Invest in yourself; get help with organization and accountability. One reason coaching has become so successful is that you contract out accountability to another person.  You can gain tools to move forward and have motivation and accountability at the same time.

“Those who are blessed with the most talent don’t necessarily outperform everyone else.  It is the people with the follow-through who excel.”
Mary Kay Ash

by Mardi Allen, Life Coach
Mardi@CoachMardi.net

Are you someone who believes you need to be in a constant state of change and improvement?  Do you spend too much time focusing on what you do not like about yourself and so spend very little time on acceptance, appreciation, and happiness in the present moment?

Maybe you believe if you accept and appreciate yourself that you will not change and yet just the opposite is true.  Many of my clients want to move from goal to goal without ever taking the time to be present, content, and peaceful.  They are on a constant search for being and doing better without any appreciation or celebration for who they are at that given moment. We can be awesome and still have things to work on.

Here are some ideas for putting an “action plan” in place that will help you acknowledge, accept, and appreciate where you are and who you are today:

Action Plan

•  Affirm your greatness by listing 100 things you appreciate about yourself. They don’t all need to be some huge accomplishment. Appreciate the small things. Don’t take anything for granted. Once you’ve made your list, follow up with daily affirmations to further combat negative self talk.

•  List all your accomplishments from 2009. Celebrate them and make sure to share them with others. Toot your own horn. Surround yourself with reminders of your successes.  Posters, post it notes, vision boards, and articles. Your immediate environment has a huge influence over you and can influence your subconscious.

•  Surround yourself with people who are positive, believe in themselves, and can support you and promote you. Eliminate toxic people from your life who drain you of your energy.

•  Be aware of negative self talk and eliminate as much as you can.  Studies show that 90% of our thinking is negative, redundant, and about ourselves.  You are in charge of your thinking so manage it well.  Love yourself.

It is important to acknowledge your growth. Personal evolution is slow and gradual. It is a process, not a destination. Life is a journey; enjoy it.

Be Part of the Solution

What are you doing to create your ideal life?  Are you taking responsibility for yourself, your health, your finances, your career, your marriage, your relationships, your habits, and your thinking?  Are you finding solutions for life’s challenges or are you blaming others and constantly complaining?

Complaining without searching for a solution is a waste of time and energy, and it is toxic.  It can hurt your career as it can lead to wasted time, loss of productivity, anxiety, and anger.  It can also play havoc in your personal relationships, as no one enjoys being around someone who complains all the time, except another chronic complainer.

It is not what happens to us in life but how we deal with it.  When confronted with dissatisfaction or a challenge, look for the solution and fix it rather than engage in mindless venting and complaining.  Take responsibility for what you want to create and make it happen.  When we complain or blame others, it takes us off the hook. Make the solution your responsibility and take action to fix the problem.

When I was in corporate America, I had an open door policy.  However, anytime an employee came with a challenge, complaint, or something they were dissatisfied with, they were to bring two solutions as well.  I got a lot of amazing ideas from people who were interested in fixing what was wrong instead of blaming others. This exercise works our personal lives as well.  It works in our marriages, families, and groups. Stop looking at the problem and ask yourself what you can do to solve it, then approach everyone involved with a couple of solutions.

Here are three ways to find a solution to any challenging situation.

1.  Change the situation. Brainstorm; come up with several possible solutions.

2.  Remove yourself from the situation.

3.  Accept the situation as it is. Stop complaining about it and move on emotionally.

Remember, if you are spending all of your time on the problem instead of the solution you will get more of the problem.  Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want.

Are You Stuck and In a Rut?

Are you feeling depressed because you can’t find a job?  Do you feel like you’re in a rut and just unhappy in your life?  Do you just feel stuck?  Well, you are not alone.  There is hope!

Newton’s first law of motion states that an object at rest tends to stay at rest; and an object in motion tends to stay in motion.

When we are depressed or feeling down, we often become isolated and paralyzed.  Newtonianly speaking, we’re at rest, and we will stay at rest until a force is applied.  We must create a force to change our state from rest to motion.

Get yourself into motion – any motion.  It does not matter what you do as long as you move.  It might not be an action that will take you directly to your goal; however, simply being active is one step closer toward achieving your goal.

Start by changing the words you speak.  I had a client that said, “I don’t know” about 50 times in one session.  She felt paralyzed and unable to see the answers because she had been at rest for so long.  Starting with the affirmation, “I do know,” will provide an amazing change in mindset – a force, if you will – that will get you into motion.  Here are other examples that can get you unstuck and out of your rut.

•  Get together with a friend
•  Take a ten-minute walk
•  Do volunteer work
•  Make one networking call
•  Go to the library
•  Make a vision board
•  Reach out to others in need
•  Go to a networking group
•  Get a part time job
•  Go to church

Just do something!  Get into motion.  You will see an automatic shift in your energy.  Negative energy creates negative energy and positive energy creates positive energy.  Get moving and take a step today toward your ideal life.  Apply a force and get into motion.

By managing your time effectively, you can gain up to two productive hours a day, have less stress, have more energy, and increase your income. Here is a tool to get you started. Remember change requires action.

The backward planning process is an excellent method for goal setting and time management. It is just a different way to achieve the results you want. It forces you to think from a completely new perspective and it helps you see things you might have missed with the traditional chronological process.

Basically, you start with your objective, the end result you desire, and work backwards from there. It is like telling a story going backwards. If I want to speak at a noon luncheon, I start there and plan backwards. If I want to be there at 11:30 a.m., I always plan on arriving fifteen minutes early. In order to be there at 11:15 a.m., with an hour’s drive, I have to leave by 10:15 a.m. One hour to get ready, so I start by 9:15 a.m. I want 45 minutes to eat, so breakfast needs to be on by 8:30 a.m. I need my quiet time in the morning, so I get up at 7:30 a.m. and I know I push snooze a couple of times, so I set the alarm for 7:00 a.m. I have made time for everything I want to accomplish and to get there on time.

This backward planning process has been life-changing for me. I encourage you to embrace it. Effective time management is a matter of choice. You can learn the skills and behaviors which will ultimately become habits that will last a lifetime.