Hey Denton – your Single Gal is back, just in time for this month’s BIG holiday! No, it doesn’t involve a tryptophan diet, with a heaping helping of football and pumpkin pie. I’m talking about Election Day, and what a campaign this has been! Think about it, come November 5th, we’ll have a minority in the white house whether it be an African-American as the head guy, or a woman as the second-in-command. Either way, this nation wins for advancement, at least.

While thinking about our candidates kissing babies and other things, I thought about kissing in general, a topic in dire need of discussion. Everyone has had an awkward first kiss moment, and no one likes a bad kisser. So, let’s go through a few points to remember.

Know the signals. The touch of your leg, or the rubbing of your arm are usually sure signs that the other person is digging you and would like a kiss. If she seems to be responding, lean in and look into her eyes, and let her take the lead. Warning: if she is not responding to this, do not force the issue. Kissing is not a divide and conquer mission.

Make sure your hair is out of your face. Your new shampoo may smell delicious, but doesn’t taste like key lime pie. Get it out of the way before leaning in, as to not choke the dude.

Don’t go full-on open mouth the first time. This is not a race to see who gets their tongue down the other’s throat first. The experience of kissing should be enjoyed and not rushed as a prelude to something else. Enjoy the moment and the “getting to know you” phase, not the “getting to know if they still have tonsils.” Start gently for the first kiss, and if your partner seems to be enjoying it, go in for a little deeper kiss the next time.

Learn the importance of lip balm. Great at-home exfoliation: sugar. Leaves the skin polished and a little sweet tasting. Always apply lip balm after exfoliating, and at bedtime. Ladies, either go for the 8-hour stay put, cant come off without a laser lip color, or opt for lightly tinted gloss. The desired result is to not leave your partner looking like a Bourbon Street drag queen.

Kissing is very important in all intimate relationships, but it should also be fun. And, as with anything, practice makes perfect.

Guys, this one’s for you. No one wants to show up for a blind date, only to find the Geico Caveman sitting across the table. There are a few key elements you need to remember before meeting your date. That is, if you want to see them again.

The very top of this list is hygiene. You might laugh, but it is often overlooked. Before the big date, hit the drug store. Believe it or not, there is more than one kind of soap and deodorant. Yes, really. Shower, shave, and put a nice cologne on (the key word here is nice, not an olfactory receptor killing spray). You may be a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, but on a first date, you really need to go the extra mile in order to make a good impression. Consider a shirt with buttons. On a side note, I cannot stress enough how much you need to leave the Hawaiian shirt at home…deep in the back recesses of your closet.

Money, a good thing to have. And, try and go to the ATM before the date. It shows that you took the time to plan for your date, and that it didn’t just “spring up” on you. First dates are not a time to have cash flow conversations. If you are the few these days that are actually rolling in the big bucks, keep it to yourself. No one likes a show-off. On the flip side, if you are less than stellar in the monetary department, keep that one on the down low as well. It shows acceptance of your current status and no ambition for change.

Drinking and dating don’t mix. Which means, let’s not get sloshed on the first date, and lay a path for disaster. If you are college age, alot of the spots you will tend to hang out will be campus bars. Drinking is alright, but just keep it in moderation. At the end of the evening, you want to make sure your date arrives home safely, and not where your date is putting cold wet towels on your neck while you talk to the porcelain gods. Alcohol can be a relaxant for blind date jitters, but just keep it to one or two.

Lastly, there’s the little white lies. Sure, on a first date, you want to appear exciting and interesting. But eventually the truth will come out, and then you will seem a little more of an annoyance then second date material. Just remember, your date is on a fact finding mission, and will stop at nothing to find out what dirt lies beneath your seemingly squeaky clean exterior. To avoid looking utterly stupid in the end, just be honest in the beginning.

I have received quite a few emails from singles in the over fifty crowd looking to step into the dating pool, and wondering about the water. So, here’s a few ideas from the shallow end of where to have a first date.

To Market we go
Do you both share a love of food and cooking? Hit up the farmer’s market near downtown together that morning, and get some fresh veggies to bring home and make a relaxing lunch together.

Let the Vino flow
Meet for a wine tasting at one of the wine bars On The Square. Whether you’re a wine connoisseur or have trouble telling Cabernet from Merlot, visiting a wine tasting together is a great way to get to know each other while learning something new and sampling one of life’s true pleasures. And besides, it’s not called “liquid courage” for nothing.

Study the works of Poe
If you both enjoy books, attend a reading at Recycled Books, and then browse the shelves comparing notes about your favorite authors and titles. Follow that up with coffee and dessert, and you’ve got a first date that could be the start of a new life chapter.

Rollin’ the Dough
Yes, I’m resorting back to food, it’s a passion. Extreme Cuisine offers some wonderful cooking classes, that are small and intimate. With others also participating in the cooking, the weight of conversation is not completely on your shoulders. Besides, who doesn’t look good in an apron?

Get on the Go
Maybe you both enjoy tennis or golf, or just like going for long walks in one of Denton’s parks. Sharing an activity can be a fun experience, as well as an insightful one. You can tell alot about a person when they’re hurling a club across the green.

The point in the end is to get out there, even if you require floaties, and just get your feet wet. Being over fifty doesn’t mean there aren’t any first date jitters. It just means you have more experience then your younger counterparts, and that really is a good thing about age. Considering there’s no lifeguard on duty.

Most of my columns have been about how to find someone special, how to make yourself happy, but what about those of us who have been dumped in a bad way? Come on, no one is immune to it. Until they make a vaccine for heartbreak, we use other controlled substances, such as alcohol. All of us have nestled up to our friend “Jack,” swearing off whomever it was that left track marks on our ego. You can sue someone who wrecks your car, but you can’t sue over a broken heart. How is that fair?

Considering our precious commodities in this constantly receding economy, isn’t our one truly prized possession our hearts? Some people give their’s freely, just throwing it out there and hoping someone catches it with care. Others tend to keep their heart closely guarded, and only share when someone has passed all tests and is deemed worthy.

For us “Single” fans out there, we have probably seen the new Sex And The City movie. As brilliant and true to the TV show as it was, how many of you could completely identify with Carrie and her feelings after the ‘dumptation’ of Mr. Big? We have all been there, we just didn’t have the money to run off to Mexico and properly bury the lost love. At that moment, it felt like justice should be served. There may not be a place in our jail system for repeat love offenders, but there has to be a place in the afterlife. At least it helps to think that way after you are burning the last of the love letters and mix tapes over the coals of the relationship.

Wouldn’t it be a truly great world if we could have a website devoted to these people? That way when one moves into your neighborhood, his/her name could be displayed beside their past offenses. Of course, we would be fair and use a rating system, perhaps stars. You just really wasn’t into the guy, one star. You changed the locks and drained her bank account, four stars.

As I have said before, until bar codes are applied to the foreheads of humans allowing us to take a scan of their past, all I can say is…slap some tape on that broken heart of yours and recycle, recycle, recycle. In the day of living amongst coronary criminals, green is the new red.

I want a funny and decent looking woman. I want a cowboy. I want a woman who likes to relax and not worry all the time about how she looks. I want a man who’s not into material things. I want a girl who likes to fish.

These are all emails your Single Gal has received. If I could find some way to connect these people together, I would be Match Maker in the City…or Orgy Queen, whatever works. The point of this is that every singleton seems to be looking for a partner with whom to enjoy life. And every one of these emails has a common denominator. “I am not into the bar scene.”

So – what do you do? It’s not like you can go to Guys R’ Us. I’m pretty sure Fem-Mart does not exist, although Hooter’s would be a close second. Until you can walk into a retail outlet and pick out your next date like a rump roast, you are going to have to get out there and invent ways of contact on your own. Trust me, I wish Denton had a designated place you could go, not a bar, but just a casual environment to talk to the opposite sex and see if there is a connection. But some people believe if the sign is not neon, and Shiner is not on tap, then there is no way you can meet someone.

Be spontaneous. How about the next time you see a single gal pumping gas, you offer to do the deed. And, ladies, do not hose him with gasoline thinking he’s the Son of Sam. Give the boy a chance. Throw him a bone.

Girls, how about next time you’re in the drive thru and see a complete hottie in the car behind you, you offer to pay for his meal, and slip your business card in with the fries? How sexy is that? Just avoid any food item with a lot of sauce as to where you leave the digits…extra chilli is not sexy.

Until we celebrate the grand opening of Single’s Wholesale Club, we need to find everyday reasons to make a connection. The last time I was in Blockbuster, while surveying the less than adequate new releases, a fairly handsome guy offered to buy the popcorn, if I sprung for the movie. Next time, I will pay more attention instead of tripping the woman next to me for the last copy of 27 Dresses.

For this column, the guys can sit back and take it easy. My focus is on the ladies, and I use that term loosely here. On a recent outing to Beale Street in Memphis, I had the obscene pleasure of experiencing only what can be termed “Urban Cowboy on steroids.” I have a beef with the younger generation of women, and that pun is greatly intended.

I found myself in a bar that contained a mechanical bull. For some reason, all that’s needed is some southern rock, quite a bit ofalcohol, and any chick with a slinky dress and no bra. The mix was absolutely hilarious, yet a little unsettling at the same time. The master of this ceremony was a stereotypical overweight red-neck who clearly had not had a date in years, mastering the controls of the next lady’s destiny. With him at the wheel, there was going to be exposure sure to rival anything on Cinemax.

The sad thing about this entertainment was that these women honestly thought they were the sexiest person on the earth, and were willing to show all men present that they could simulate a pole dance on a gyrating bull while keeping their “girls” in check. This cannot be done, learn this now. With strapy dresses and nothing between what God gave you and a mechanical bovine, there is no way to hold onto your dignity, let alone what you had for supper that evening before slamming five tequila shots.

I have to resort to the old saying, “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?” And, hey, there’s even a cow involved in this great equation. Ladies, please, there is no need to climb atop a tavern carnival ride just to attract the opposite sex. You need not try that hard, and in fact it’s overkill. You may be the highlight of that evening with 30 seconds of fame, but is it really worth it when this is the stuff of classic You Tube videos and blooper reels? While watching the guys laugh and howl at each new participant, you could almost see the look on their face of sheer Sunday morning horror, when the effects of Jack Daniels woke them up to their senses and immediately required a sin-washing shower. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but this is not the kind of gal a guy brings home to meet Mom. In fact, this is not the type someone wants to date period, let alone hide from family and friends.

With that said, I have a new mission…the release of all endangered mechanical bulls so they can roam free from risk of abuse and utter humiliation. Yeah, that pun was just too easy.